"It’s Just Banter!" - The Universal Excuse for Being Awful

"Just banter" is the oldest excuse in the book for bad behaviour - power, prejudice, and control hiding behind a cheap punchline.

As many of you will be unsurprised by, Gregg Wallace’s defenders are out in full force today, trotting out the same old tired excuses we’ve all heard before when a man is finally exposed for, to put it lightly, being a weapons-grade misogynist dickhead.

We all know the refrains:

“It’s just banter!”

“He was only joking!”

“People are too sensitive these days!”

Let me tell you a story.

My husband and I once went to a work night out, the kind of event where you’re hoping to make a good impression and maybe build some bridges. We met one of his colleagues - a perfectly average, unremarkable man whose first question upon seeing us, a gay couple, was:

“So… who’s the woman?”

Funny, right?

Just a bit of harmless “banter.”

Except it wasn’t harmless, because when I calmly pointed out how outdated and absurd his comment was, he didn’t laugh it off or apologise. He doubled down.

“Well, who fucks who, then? There has to be a woman.”
Yes, really.

That’s the level of “joke” we’re talking about.

This wasn’t one offhand comment.

It was a relentless stream of questions and remarks throughout the evening, each one more invasive and crass than the last. And we sat there, feeling smaller and smaller, trying to smile through it because we didn’t want to rock the boat. We were new in the country, trying to settle in, and thought, Maybe this is just how things are.

But here’s the thing: it wasn’t banter. It wasn’t a joke. It was the weaponisation of humour - using “just joking” as a shield to say things that are deeply inappropriate, uncomfortable, and rooted in prejudice.

This kind of behaviour isn’t about being funny. It’s about power. It’s about putting people on the back foot, making them feel like outsiders, and then dismissing their discomfort as overreaction. And when the victim pushes back? “Calm down, it’s just a joke!” The person who’s been made to feel small suddenly becomes the problem for not laughing along.

And here’s where I’ll acknowledge something: as uncomfortable and infuriating as that experience was for my husband and me, I recognise that it’s even harder for women in these situations. When men behave this way toward women, the stakes are even higher.

For many women, calling out this behaviour isn’t just about risking a bit of awkwardness; it’s about risking professional retaliation, being labelled “difficult,” or apparently “a middle-class woman of a certain age,” or, far more terrifyingly, even compromising their physical safety. A man in a position of power - be it a colleague, a boss, or a TV presenter - knows he can say things that push boundaries, secure in the knowledge that most women won’t feel able to fight back.

This dynamic is why Gregg Wallace’s “banter” isn’t just harmless fun. It’s a pattern of behaviour that thrives on imbalances of power. The women coming forward aren’t being too sensitive - they’re finally challenging a culture that tells them to laugh it off, grin and bear it, or risk the consequences.

The “just banter” excuse has always been a smokescreen. It’s not about jokes or humour, and it’s never been - it’s all about control. It’s about creating environments where men - especially powerful men - can say whatever they like, shielded by the expectation that everyone else will either laugh along or stay silent. And when someone finally refuses to play along? Cue the outrage: “People can’t take a joke anymore!”

The truth here is that if your “joke” makes someone feel small, it’s not a joke. If your “banter” leaves someone replaying the interaction in their head days or even years later, it’s not banter. And if your excuse is “That’s just how he is” - then maybe the problem isn’t that people are too sensitive. Maybe the problem is that “how he is” has always been unacceptable.

This isn’t just about Gregg Wallace, either. It’s about every man who hides behind the mask of humour to push boundaries, undermine others, and avoid accountability. It’s about a system that rewards those men by dismissing their behaviour as harmless, calling them “one of the lads” and, above all, making sure they’re never held accountable.

My husband and I didn’t speak up that night, and I regret it.

But that silence wasn’t because his comments were okay - it was because we were new, unsure, and unwilling to make ourselves targets. Imagine how much harder it is for a young woman in her workplace, or someone whose livelihood depends on staying in the good graces of the person making those “jokes.”

The next time someone tries to justify this kind of behaviour by saying, “It’s just banter,” take a moment to reflect on the situation critically.

Ask yourself:

Who is truly benefiting from this joke?

Is it the person making the joke, or are they simply reinforcing their own position at the expense of others?

Conversely, who feels belittled or marginalized as a result?

If the outcome looks like it’s just someone punching down, then it’s clear that what’s happening isn’t banter at all. What it is, is unacceptable behaviour shrouded in the guise of humour. We should recognise that laughter shouldn’t come at the cost of someone else’s dignity, and it’s high time we stop endorsing these harmful interactions by laughing along.